


Collarless and Hopeless

by KateKintail



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 09:43:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KateKintail/pseuds/KateKintail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weeks after the battle at the Ministry, Remus returns to Order Headquarters because he has nowhere else to go. The place, and its lack of Sirius, quickly takes its toll.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Collarless and Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow-up to my 2010 pervy_werewolf Lusty Month of May story: Collared. This story would make a lot more sense if you’d read that first. These characters and their world do not belong to me and I get nothing for this. 
> 
> Pairings: Remus/Snape, Remus/Sirius mentioned heavily, Remus/Tonks danced around, James/Lily implied, Snape/Lily understood, Remus/OMC briefly alluded to

Weary and exhausted was just the beginning of him. Remus’ body was stiff, achy. His face felt hot and dry. He couldn’t imagine being able to cry any more than he had already. And, yet, the lump in his throat threatened to catch him in another sob if he so much as tried to speak again.  
  
“You’re getting too thin. You’ve got to eat something,” Tonks insisted, placing a plate in front of him. Remus’ stomach was all knotted up and pulling on itself, and he knew some warm food would probably do it good, but he just stared down at the plate, as if he’d forgotten how this eating thing worked. Why couldn’t there be a magical way to get the food straight into his stomach to save him having to move?  
  
A full mug of tea was forced into his hand and Tonks’ hands covered his with a squeeze. “Floo me if you need me. Promise?”  
  
He meant to nod, to at least acknowledge her kindnesses toward him. But he couldn’t make his head move. He blinked, which she took to be a sign of agreement. She pressed a kiss to his temple before she left.   
  
And then he was alone in the kitchen at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The portrait in the hall was quiet, the house elf was off cleaning, and the man who had been a permanent fixture in the house for almost an entire year was gone.   
  
Suddenly, Remus’ head felt too heavy for his neck to support it. He bent his arm on the table just enough to cushion his face as it fell forward. He breathed in through the musty wool of his jumper sleeve, and the warmth touched his face, weakening him again. He felt tears sting his over-tired eyes and he coughed through another sob. Losing Sirius once had been devastating. Losing him a second time was unbearable.  
  
“And here I was thinking I’d already seen you at your most pathetic. You continue to surprise me, Lupin.”  
  
Remus’ head snapped up. He blinked back the wetness in his eyes until they were clear enough to make out the figure of Severus Snape standing in front of him.   
  
“Couldn’t even be bothered to eat your dinner, I see.”   
  
Bile rose in Remus’ throat and the heat in his face intensified. He wanted to tell Snape to leave. He couldn’t handle more torment right now.   
  
“Looks like you haven’t eaten in…” Something caught in Snape’s voice and he stopped speaking. His posture loosened, his head cocked, and his eyes softened. “You really haven’t eaten in days, have you?”   
  
Remus looked up at him, imploringly, wanting Snape to leave him alone so he could just let himself waste away. He didn’t deserve Tonks’ care. And he didn’t know how to explain that to her so that she would understand him. He didn’t deserve her love or anyone else’s. He didn’t even deserve good food. But the man was already striding over and settling onto the bench beside him at the scrubbed wooden table. Snape put a cool hand on the back of Remus’ neck. He rubbed up and down just a little, then took the fork and stabbed a potato. When he guided it upward, Remus’ lips parted.   
  
The food went in. Chewing commenced. And Remus relaxed slightly. When Snape took his hand away in order to cut a piece of pork, Remus shifted, growing agitated. So Snape quickly put his hand back, pressing skin against skin, and Remus instinctively calmed. And as long as this was the case, Remus continued to accept food to eat.   
  
Remus made it through the whole pork chop, most of the potatoes, and half of the carrots before he gagged and sniffled. The mere idea of food was suddenly sickening and he turned his head away, feeling too ill for another bite. He swallowed rapidly, willing himself to stay in control of a situation that felt well beyond his strength.  
  
Snape put down the fork and slid his hand from Remus’ neck to shoulder. “You stink, Lupin. How long since you last bathed?”  
  
Remus’ head spun, trying to switch tracks, trying calculate so that he would have an answer. But he wasn’t sure what day it was, wasn’t sure how long since he had returned to Grimmauld Place. Two days? Three? Seven?  
  
“If you can’t remember, then that’s too long. Come on. I’ll draw you a bath.” Remus felt the man tug on him, trying to guide him up onto his feet. But Remus couldn’t budge.  
  
Instead, Remus turned his head back and stared at Snape. “Go away.” Remus didn’t care about food or baths or anything Severus Snape might have to say.   
  
“You’re too brave to give up this easily.”   
  
Remus blinked at the man. “Why are you doing this?” His voice was rough, hoarse. “You hate me for going back to Sirius.”  
  
At the sound of Sirius’ name, Snape flinched; even Remus’ tired eyes saw that clear as anything.   
  
“I know he bullied you when we were kids, but it’s not like you were the picture of innocence.” Remus gestured toward Snape’s arm, where they both knew the dark mark was. “You’re probably  _glad_  he’s dead.” In the silence that followed, Remus searched Snape’s face for some sort of answer.   
  
The man had no reaction at first. Then, slowly, he pulled his hand away from Remus and moved back, breaking physical contact. Snape seemed to be considering his answer carefully before speaking. “You were too good for him.”   
  
It wasn’t the answer Remus had expected, but it lit a small spark in his chest. His own words now came more quickly than they had for weeks. “I know he was a jerk to you but he was a kind lover to me. I’d been with Sirius for four years before I lost him the first time. You and I were together for just seven months. It’s not your place to judge who’s best for me. I had my reasons for going back to him."  
  
“Lupin—”  
  
But Remus wasn’t going to let him stick his hooked nose in just yet. “Severus, if Lily were somehow alive again and wanted a relationship with you, can you honestly say you wouldn’t want her?”  
  
“That’s different.”  
  
“It’s not. Not at all!” Remus choked and coughed and felt hot tears take over again. “Sirius made me happy and I loved him enough to want a second chance with him and now that’s gone...” He tucked his hand into his sleeve, lifted his arm, and pawed at his face with the rough fabric.  
  
Snape was silent for a long while. Then his hand was back, touching Remus’ shoulder. And the other pulled Remus’ soggy-sleeved arm down. Snape offered up his handkerchief and moved closer. “You need a bath, Lupin.”   
  
Remus tried to shake him off to make a statement, but his body leaned closer to Snape’s, betraying his desire for contact. “I don’t need your help.”  
  
“Obviously, you do, whether you think you want it or not.” Snape wiped the hanky across Remus’ cheeks and chin then rubbed it forcefully against Remus’ nose several times. Then he pulled the man close and apparated them to the upstairs bathroom. He waved his wand, starting the flow of hot water and stopping up the claw-footed tub. Remus stood in the middle of the bathroom, leaning into Snape, feeling old and useless and weak beyond measure.  
  
He had been relieved of his wand, for safety reasons. It was inside his trunk in the room he had been sharing with Sirius. And Snape was lucky this was the case because, when he manhandled Remus, Remus had no way to fight back. Remus didn’t have the ability to duel and didn’t have the energy to physically fight. It was as if he were wearing one of those horrid Ministry collars again and Snape once again owned him. Angry tears filled Remus’ eyes now as he felt Snape’s fingers undoing the buttons on the front of his cardigan.   
  
Remus felt his clothes removed and he shivered, naked in more ways than one. Snape ushered him into the bathtub then knelt beside the tub, soaping up a wet washcloth to clean him with.   
  
Sometime during the bath, Remus felt the tenseness in his shoulders fade away. And he felt air force its way deep into his lungs. He felt the tears ease and stop. And he felt the soapy, warm water greet his skin like a long lost friend. He closed his eyes, feeling grateful, embarrassed, violated, and cared for all in one. Snape had been right, damn him. He had needed this. He had needed Snape.   
  
Remus opened his eyes and gazed at Snape. Snape didn’t make eye contact as he rubbed the washcloth against Remus’ chest, concentrating on the task alone. Remus cleared his throat, hoping to attract the man’s attention. When that didn’t work, he lifted his hand out of the warm water and touched Snape’s cheek. The man froze and looked up. “What is it, Lupin?” he asked.  
  
Remus wet his lips and whispered. “Stay the night with me.”   
  
“I’m not here to fuck you hard and make you forget Black—”  
  
Shaking his head, “I don’t want to forget him. I want to remember you.”   
  
Snape’s hand trembled, but Remus’ hand stayed put, stroking softly.   
  
“You’re the only one who really knows what I need. You understand, don’t you?”  
  
There was a pregnant pause that ate at Remus. Then Snape spoke softly. “I understand.” There was so much emotion in those two words that Remus couldn’t begin to know what was truly in his heart. But Snape took a deep breath and let it out again. “Damn you, Lupin. This wasn’t why I came here tonight.”   
  
“Of course it was.” He’d known it from that moment Snape had sat beside him and touched him. Using the edge of the tub for leverage, Remus pulled himself up enough to get his lips to Snape’s. The man didn’t move at first, enduring the kiss as if it were a completely foreign entity. But then his mouth seemed to remember what to do and seemed to remember Remus’. The kiss swiftly went from soft and tender to desperate. Remus felt the kiss pulling on him, as if pulling him right out of himself, or at least out of the emotions that had been taking hold of him since the night at the Ministry of Magic.  
  
Everyone had been sympathetic about Remus’ loss, but no one had really understood. He hadn’t thought anyone would be able to, but he’d forgotten about Severus Snape. Sirius had been killed in the Ministry of Magic, the one place Remus hated above all others. And Snape had been to the Ministry all those years ago to see what they’d done to werewolves and to Remus in the Market. He understood what Remus felt, understood what Remus was going through. Snape knew what it was like to lose a best friend, a dearest love. He knew what it was like to be unable to stop blaming himself. He knew what it was like to feel dead inside like this, certain to never, ever love again.   
  
They had healed each other once, but it had just been a temporary fix. It had been enough to make them start feeling again, enough to make them remember what they had been fighting for. This time… this time maybe the healing would be real. No collars or burned hands or abusive owners. Just their feelings, raw and exposed and identical. Maybe this time the healing would penetrate deeper.  
  
Snape helped Remus out of the bath and they barely made it across the hallway to one of the spare bedrooms. Snape, with his wand, conjured the required lube, which was good as Remus wasn’t about to go to the bedroom he had shared with Sirius to get the bottle there.   
  
Remus lay on his side, moaning just a little as Snape’s hand flew across his body, tweezing his nipples, fondling his balls, stroking his cock. Snape’s cock slid right into Remus, unable to wait. The deep, powerful thrusts shook Remus, reminding him of how it felt to be alive. The jabs at Remus’ prostate made his head spin and body tingle. He rocked his body in time with Snape’s, amazed to find how easy it was to fall in synch with him, even after so many years had passed. It was so different from sex with anyone else. It was considerate, amazing, overwhelming.  
  
Then, all of a sudden, Snape stopped, froze, withdrew. His hand moved off Remus’ cock and gripped Remus’ shoulder. And even when Remus rocked back, trying to offer his arse up, but Snape wanted nothing to do with him. “Lupin, did you tell him about us?”   
  
Remus’ head spun again, the feeling of euphoria that his building orgasm had been bringing him backing away and leaving him cold and confused. “Fuck. What? Who?  _What?_ ”  
  
Snape’s fingers dug into him so hard Remus almost yelped. “Black,” Snape spat. “Did you tell him about this?”  
  
Slowly, as if coming up from beneath the water for a long time, Remus adjusted to the understanding took hold of him. He breathed. “I told him a lot. I told him about the Ministry program and the collars. I told him about my owners and that you bought me. I told him you rescued me and helped me function again, and that you and I had a relationship afterward.”  
  
This time, Snape’s hand tightened so much Remus did cry out. He pulled away. “What did you tell him about us?”  
  
“I’d never share anything personal. Just like I’d never tell you anything personal about him and me. That’s none of your damn business. And it was none of his business, no matter how much he prodded me for juicy detai—“ Remus broke off as Snape’s mouth found his again.   
  
Apparently, that was all Snape wanted to know. Remus lay on his back, legs in the air, as Snape found his arse again and struck at just the right angle, in just the way, with just the right rhythm. Remus came before he did, but only seconds before.   
  
Exhausted, Remus was aware of Snape pulling out again and lying beside him. His eyes hurt and he laid an arm across them to rest them. Before he knew it, he was asleep.  
  
Screaming woke him. At first, he couldn’t place it. He rolled over in bed, finding Snape’s warm, hard body beside him. But Snape wasn’t the one yelling. The moment Remus realized it was the portrait of Sirius’ mum screaming her head off, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye and turned his head.  
  
Standing in the doorway was Tonks, staring wide-eyed at him. Remus made a mad dash for the bedsheet, pulling it up to his waist, covering Snape that much as well. The movement made Snape stir, wake. Remus found his body hurt too much to sit up properly, but he called out to her. “Nymphadora—“  
  
She turned to the side, closing her eyes. “I came to make you some breakfast, and I saw you ate most of your dinner for a change. I wanted to congratulate you on that… I guess there’s something else to congratulate you for. I… should get going. I’ve got… something to do for the Order anyway. See you later.” She glanced back, once more, meeting Remus’ gaze, then Snape’s. Then she apparated out.   
  
Remus felt terrible. He cared deeply for her, but she was still a she. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t tried to explain this to her a hundred times already.   
  
“She’ll cope.”  
  
“I know” Remus covered his face with his arm again.  
  
“She had to have known she didn’t have a chance with you.”  
  
Remus took a deep breath, wondering if Snape was thinking about his own chances with Remus. He felt a cool sensation on his shoulder and looked down to see Snape rubbing some sort of lotion there to do away with marks Snape’s fingers had made the night before. He was too exhausted to figure out what any of this meant or where he was supposed to go from here. His gut clenched as he thought about the fact that he’d just slept with Snape in Sirius’ house… which was actually now Harry’s house. But he felt Snape’s arm around him and he let himself relax into the touch Snape knew he needed.


End file.
